Me and You and a Dog Named Boo

The countdown is on. Will the flower girl's ballerina shoes be back from the dying place in time for us to schlep them to NYC? This wedding deal is just getting downright farcical. When I bitched the other day about it, I didn't even spill the half of it. I'm reserved to tell all of it, because there are some out there who probably love weddings and cry and all that and others who don't balk at the arcanery of it all. But you know what - get your own blog.

The best we bumpkins can figure out the current running total of this affair is nearing the GDP of Togo. You could relocate the entire population of Tuvalu to gated communities in Sydney for what is being shelled out. I mean, I'm no Commie, they can spend their money any way they want. The frivolity of it all just galls me, though. Like Killer's dress - we had to take her to a tailor here who took her measurements and called a tailor in NYC who worked out the pattern and called the tailor here to explain how to make the dress in OKC. And then we had to buy ballerina slippers and have them dyed to match the dress. The dress is white. The shoes are white. The room is dim. And the $500 dollar dress is going to have petit fours smeared down the front of it in beautiful pastel hues before 'I do'. Then there's things like 300 people eating dinner at $175 a plate. And there will be three dinners. We're talking over a quarter-mil here, y'all.

It all reminds of the first week of World War I. You remember. France didn't want to defend Serbia, but they thought it looked bad, so they called up a few troops. Then Germany didn't really want to fight France, but they didn't want to look bad for leaving Austria hanging. Then Russia really didn't want to fight, but they needed some French loans. Unfortunately for everyone, Germany (as usual) had a plan. That's how this happened. When the engagement was announced, we automatically told ourselves we weren't going. Then we thought it would look bad, so only YHWH was going to go. But then, like Germans, they said they had to have Killer be the flower girl. This is because she is the only girl they know. I am pretty sure that in the two years we have known the bride she has never once spoken to Killer. Ever. And they want her to be in this thing. Meanwhile, the couple act like they don't even want all this. So, nobody wants this thing to happen and no one wants to go, yet no one will speak up to stop it. It's World War I, people.

We told all this to a friend who plays for the other team and she said, "Married heterosexuals with no kids are the most annoying people on Earth. Except for the ones with no kids and a dog." That's not me, I'm just telling you what she said.

O course, the really sick thing is that I don't see this thing lasting. I always say that, though. Voice of experience. I say you go to the courthouse and sign some papers, put all the wedding money in a CD and then in five years if you're still together you can have a giant party.

Of course, the good thing is that usually things aren't as bad as you fret them out to be, so I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm thinking holed up in the room with ESPN and the mini-bar will do the trick. Yes, I would go all the way to NYC to do that.