Goin' Home Where the New York City Winters Aren't Bleedin' Me

So, this wedding is killing me. My brother-in-law is scheduled to wed a woman from New York in a few weeks. The blessed couple lives in Oklahoma as does all of his family and so we are all flying to New York, we're all staying in an exclusive Midtown private club, and eating at beyond expensive Midtown restaurants. It isn't going to cost us anything (at least the major stuff). So, what's my problem, right? Why wouldn't I want a most-expenses-paid trip to New York? God knows I could never afford to do it on my own.

The easiest explanation is that it just violates my principles. First of all, they're like 37 years old. When you're that age and you've already been living together and you just bought a half-million dollar house for the two of you, it's an affront to me to have to buy you a shower gift and a wedding gift. On top of that, they're are already married. Her mother would not tolerate a wedding which was not performed by her priest in New York. So my b-i-l had to convert and then the priest said that the laws in New York make it difficult to get married if your from out of state, so they have to get married here first and then he will reenact what has already been done up there. But no one can go to that but immediate family (which inexplicably we are not part of), so they are having a third ceremony at the private club. That all makes me vomit. If you're that old, you should freaking go to Las Freakin' Vegas.

This is all in addition to the incredible hassle of it all. First of all flying period is a hassle. Flying in and out of NYC is ten times the hassle. Getting to Midtown from the airport is a hassle. The exclusive place where we are staying has a sadly arcane dress code which bans denim, sneakers (sic), and t-shirts. Jacket and tie must be worn outside the rooms at all times. So I have to wear a g*dda*n suit. Twice. I do not wear suits. I have one oldish one and I have had to go on a crash diet to get into it (I have done it, though).

Then I found out that because I am a librarian I am to be seated with an editor from Doubleday, who is closely associated with a huge bestselling author. Ok, this is like seating a batboy with a lumberjack. Even worse, my wife is an English teacher. And she hates that author. I think the word she used was 'insipid'. I thought you weren't supposed to sit similar people or couples together. For one thing, librarians ought to be seating chart wildcards. We can talk about anything; we have something in common with everyone.

Now, you're probably like my other b-i-l who said, "Lighten up, man. It's just a party!" But I hate parties. I loathe parties. And I don't understand why extroverts are so intolerant. I realize the obvious answer is, duh, they're extroverted. But why do they take something from introverts or push them? We don't make any demands on them at all except to leave us alone. All they have to do is...nothing.

The final nail in the coffin was this weekend when the celebrant performed one of his occasional but regular verbal assaults on me. He has a drinking problem and when he drinks and gets with his brother, they like to pick on me. Being an introvert, I'm an easy target I guess. They're very cowardly and only do this when there are two of them and usual other people around who I would rather not see the swath of verbal destruction I can leave behind. This time it was my father-in-law and my wife. I'm just not going to retaliate in front of their family members, I could only lose. It might sound strange, but I just won't do it. They don't really say anything offensive; in fact if I were to recount it you would say it was no big deal. But it's the spirit in which it is done that makes it ridiculous. So instead of telling the guy off I'm suffering through his freakin' wedding.

So, I'm thinking about small ways I can screw things up. I think for one thing I'm going to really drag out my drawl and say 'goll-lee'and 'durn' and 'dad-blamed'. And talk about all the 'oll' we have on our spread. Failing that, I'm going to be really, really honest to everyone I meet. And if anyone says anything, all I have to say is, "Lighten up, man. It's just a party!"

I'm getting too old for this sh*t.